How Immortals Lowered My IQ...

Here is number 1 out of the 3 movies that I've watched recently -  released between last year and present, that I found intolerable, pathetic, and perception-distorting. 

Immortals

I saw this film on a friend's suggestion. The guy said that he absolutely loved it. I mean...this is a guy who slept through gut-wrenching (in a good way) films like The Grey - so did I take his word for it? No. In fact, my only motivation to watch the movie came from (as I heard) it's stunning visuals. Well, did that turn out okay? Hell FREAKIN' NO! 

It seems that the only asset Tarsem Singh's got at his disposal to impress his audience is his somewhat bland and boring visual style. But that didn't exactly work because all the time I was looking at a massive chunk of land in sepia tone. And then at the corner of the frame there's a little 'village' carved into a mountain -- let me just shove it in between and ask, 'What the heck is John Hurt doing in this movie?' -- But really, that is all it has to offer. 

Tarsem Singh tries to deliver but obviously can't due to the terribly-written script that boasts lines that are pointless. And the nerve of these actors that don't know how to deliver them. Save for Luke Evans, he's just brilliant, even though he has a knack of appearing in some of my most-hated films ... and John Hurt. 

Oh and by the way, the whole idea of making the 'gods' all buffed up and having perfectly-sculptured abs made for a horrid depiction of the mythical Greek Gods. 

...Get it?

The Story? Simply put, there's an ancient godly weapon that finds it's in the hands of an evil dude, Hyperion, who hates the Gods and goes around destroying temples and pretty much kills everyone in his way. Like...everyone. To the point where it just gets annoying. So the hero dude, Theseus, is apparently the chosen one and goes to out to kill Hyperion and avenge his mother's death. Trust me, it's not all that exciting but it's filled with hilarious instances (though they're not meant to be) - Like one scene where this guy get's his bollocks smashed. That's right, this movie is ball-smashing fun to watch. It made me twitch, not gonna lie! 

Prepare for loads of this! 

If anything, watch Immortals ONLY if you've got too much time on your hands or if you can tolerate being marred by overly-slowed action sequences with gallons of blood on screen ... and limbs.